Thursday, March 27, 2008

Alzheimer's Why?



So rest in this – our mother has left our presence, she now resides in Gods– And her life is in Christ, in His hands and under His wings. Find comfort in knowing that where God is, she is also!
My brother and sisters were called after midnight on Valentines Day to come to the rest home. Our mother had passed away at 12:47 a.m. Walking in the door of our mothers room, all was quiet and mama was still in the same position we had left her in earlier that day of her party. When I saw Mama’s face, I knew immediately that her spirit had left her body. My heart fell past my feet; I instantly relived the feelings I had in 1980 when I saw my daddy laying dead in the hospital bed at Skilled Nursing. People had been telling me how much they admired me for caring for my mama, I was not forced into, and it was what I felt I needed to do. My mama raised me and four siblings to do the right thing. I could have walked away anytime, but instead I chose to suffer with my mama. I did not quit! -
Then, the reality of today set in, and I saw mama’s lifeless form lying in the hospital bed in her room. The pain inside me was literally overwhelming – I was not sure I could withstand the grief. I felt I might faint or scream from the incredible sadness and loss. I did not feel the "release" as others had predicted – I felt abandoned in this world and completely alone, as if I were a ghost. All I could say to Mama was "I love you.” I kissed mama’s forehead before we were sent into another room waiting as the funeral home people took her body away – It was as if they carried my own life out that door! I felt empty inside; I dreaded the next few days for what laid ahead for my siblings and me… However, I am left with all the horrors I could not face at the time – I had to keep going in order to keep mama’s memory alive. How I wish I could block out memories of the past three years. Except for those precious, unbelievable moments, mama and I had together, spending times picnicking in the yard. All of us gathering for holidays and birthdays, always on Sundays at mamas under her big shade tree.


Being Mama's caregiver for three years compelled me to write my feelings of frustration, sadness and disbelief at what Alzheimer's does to its' victim. I found relief that all is well now since Mama gave up her fight of this terrible disease February 14, 2000. Heaven's angel still is inspiring me even though she's gone, I look for signs of her everyday, some sort of sign as she lets me know all is well and she is happy and has control of her life now. My signs from Mama are in poetry form; the words I write give me the relief as I think of her often. She’s given me this way of communication with her and I’ll except that if this is my way of knowing she is okay. My words are sad, silly and comforting to others who read my poems especially my family and friends.



Alzheimer’s Bracelet


On my left wrist bears a bracelet
To help me think, pray and cope
Of the day I lost my mother
With Alzheimer’s there’s no hope
She was stripped of all her memory
Of a family she loved so
All her friends and loved ones
Didn’t want to see her go
God had a special reason
To end her suffering and pain
Heaven’s gates flew wide open
Such an angel did He gain
Lots of her many loved ones
Waiting with opened arms
She now has her memory
And all her loving charms
Someday I will be thankful
For a cure from this disease
For Mama I wear this bracelet
And put my mind at ease


©Sylvia Allison
7/29/06