In Memory of Frances C. Allison2/10/20 - 2/14/00
Meet my mom, one of the sweetest women in the world. She was the most dedicated Mother any child would have loved to had. I embrace thoughts of her lovingly in my mind and put them on paper. This is my way of commuting with her, as she is in Heaven celebrating the life she had forgotten.
Even at my age now 60 years old, I miss my mother. She was my best friend, at one time we were neighbors. I moved away from across the street from her and not long after that move, she suddenly became my daughter. I was now"Trading Places, Raising Mom".
This book is dedicated to all who are and were caregivers to their aging parents or spouses. To who ever learned the true meaning of Alzheimer’s and yet still had to wonder why. To the families who knew the meaning of remembrance.
During the time Mom spent with me, I indeed had to learn patience and kindness, because when all is said and done, without these two things in life - you will
never find peace - ~Sylvia6/5/06
Mom and Dad in 1942
Smiles Soon Faded
Meeting as strangers, they fell in love
A love so new from God above
Making their vows for a lifetime to share
Joyous greetings from everywhere
Two people in love as the two
Lifelong happiness oh so new
Sharing together with blessings of life
Children they bore as man and wife
Smiles soon faded after awhile
Frowns took over their loving lifestyle
They gave up the fight and went on their way
Hoping to see a brighter day
Smiles soon faded, yet we find
A lifetime forever was all in their mind
Now through pictures, we remember their years
Smiles soon faded have turned to tears.
Us five living at our grandparents house
The Missing Spoke; Our Dad
Unlike wagon wheels families formed in a circle
Staying together only took a miracle
Growing up, as Dad was never home Leaving Mama with five children to raise all alone
Never knowing this man, he rarely came around
So in our minds confusion was found
Back in our lives when I turned twenty-eight
Wanting and needing him was quite a debate
Later leaving again, life still went on
Gone from our lives leaving us all alone
After awhile he finally called our mom
With bad news to tell, for us she tried to stay calm
Cancer had brought him down to his knees
He begged for forgiveness, he begged us please!
In nineteen-eighty, Dad passed away
Our hearts we broken, we cried in dismay
He was never here for us we loved him and yet
Dad we forgive you, we will never forget.
You left us so small, never looking back
It’s taken so long to get our lives on track
You came to be with us for your final days
We all said “Goodbye, we’ll love you always”
We miss you Dad each and everyday
Sometimes we feel you’re still far away
Still away like you were all our lives
Deep in our hearts, your memory survives.
Excerpts from my book - Trading Places, Raising Mom:
We knew something was wrong:
Things surely were getting worse; mama will not leave her heating stove alone! She heated with gas a lot like every household, so anyone who has a gas heater knows the heater would be cool to the touch when the fan was circulating the warm air and would be hot if unplugged to keep the fan from running. Mama used to know how the system worked but now she was unplugging the heater making it get so hot her smoke detector would go off. Calling in the middle of the night to tell me something went wrong with the heater, the detector blasting in the background – why, right now I get chills thinking about it! It was devastating to hear mamas voice on the other line screaming her house was on fire! I believed it, frantically getting dressed, jumping in the car, and riding a few blocks away to her house just not knowing what you were going to find is horrifying!
-Buy the Book
Thanksgiving – 1996:
Heartbreaking as ever, I picked mama up on Wednesday after work, I had a long weekend to spend with mama and my family. It was traditional for us to have Thanksgiving dinner together, yet this year was extremely different, so very hard to know something inside mamas body was taking a toll on her making her act so strange. What could it be? What had a hold of her that she could not even speak properly or much less do anything? At dinner she was so very quiet, this was not like mama, she was the center of this family carrying on a conversation was never hard for her. Now she could hardly respond to a simple question, as “how are you”? What in the world was going on? Hardly a whisper came out of her mouth whenever she spoke; it was as if someone else was inside answering for her. This typical question made her have to stop and think of what was said? Even her appetite slowed down, mama was always a good eater when it came to the holidays! This was always a joking thing from family members because our mama was so tiny, a small framed woman yet she could eat very well on those special occasions! We had taken a lot of pictures of her eating and of her plate throughout the years, just for fun. Now all that is left are our memories, what we remember, not her. -Buy the Book
The Saddest Christmas:
On Christmas day, we gathered at my sister Elaine’s as we did every year, but now, mama didn’t want to go! She faked a little cough and said she didn’t feel like going anywhere. This wasn’t mama! She always wanted us together for all holidays. Why is this happening? Being the ‘rock’ of this family, she slowly turned into a little bag of pebbles; Alzheimer’s had broken her down so. She loved Christmas; she loved a lot of things this disease had taken away! But why! How could this happen to her, how could it really happen to anyone? We were not prepared for this; we didn’t know what to do! Sadly we went on with dinner, just trying to be a family even though our minds were on mama.You know, I think as I am writing, mama may have been getting us ready for these last few holidays we had with her. These last couple of years was surely going to be different and difficult. As the changes were meant to be … -Buy the Book
Reality Sets In:
February 17, 1997, I took mama to the Family Practice Center in Chapel Hill to be tested for Alzheimer’s. Mama was being recorded on camera while in the room, she did not want to take off her clothes to be examined nor did she corporate with the doctor just to listen to her heartbeat. After the physical examine there were more tests, while going from room to room she was always on camera. Later Dr. Fisher left to check the test, as we remained being recorded. Mama was so scared; she did not know what was going on, she kept asking me what the reason was for all this, trying to explain the best way I knew how to let her know she was sick. With a big smile on her face, she sit back and said to me proudly; “I’m not sick, I feel fine, you are the one sick!” This was so cute, she could make you laugh sometimes at the funny things she would say and especially the way she said them. Pacing back and forth she kept wringing her hands in front of her as we waited for the doctor to come back with the results. She kept saying to me in a frustrated voice, “let’s get out of here, they aren’t coming back.” She was so very jittery and upset about being there, she was ready to go!
Doctor Stephen Fisher was her physician; I could tell by the look on his face, when he walked in the room he dreaded to tell me the words I didn’t want to hear. No, please, my heart sank as he began to tell me those dreadful words, “Sylvia, your Mother has Alzheimer’s.” I could hardly respond as I took her frail little hand in mine and held it so tight until it had started turning blue. Crying, I hugged her, I paced the floor feeling as if my world had fell apart. Oh my God, what will we do! She seemed so strong never sick, always there for us, this is our Mama! I knew yet I didn’t want to believe the words he had just said to me. God doesn’t put on us no more than we can handle – I knew if I believed God would hear me, He would give me the strength to care for mama.She watched me as I cried to the doctor asking how could we cope, what were the steps to take to make sure mama would be okay. He answered as honestly as he could, “Just treat her as if she were daughter.” All the while mama sit, smiling at him and saying; “this is my cousin, Dorothy!” -Buy the Book
Please Don’t Hurt Our Mom
She’s entering her home away from home
Forgotten all and where she comes from
Please treat her well be patient and kind
She has no memories left in her mind
Of where she is or who we are
She’s a special lady to us by far
Raised five children struggling through life
Even forgot she was once a wife
A little stubborn and set in her ways
With talks of childhood; her younger days
A beloved mother to us she’s a saint
Tried hard to keep her but now we can’t
Needing constant round-the-clock care
Please take care of her always be there
Going to be times she’ll give you a fit
Just give us a call; we’ll take care of it
Many of our elderly get hurt everyday
Be gentle and kind - treat her good we pray
No matter the time be it day or night
Let us know if she gets out of sight
With a wondering mind she loves to roam
Looking for the place she once called home
We promise to let you do your job
We plead with a sob.
80 th, A Milestone:
A Sunday surprise birthday party – what a surprise! Mama was now semi-coma and on oxygen. Her nurse had called on Saturday the day before the party to inform us mama wasn’t doing well. We started to call the party off yet she wanted us to go on with it. Saddest part of this day mama didn’t know what was going on. Mama always liked her birthdays and the parties and people paying so much attention to her. This was her day, her time to shine and age another year. Yet this was her final year on earth.
We went on and had her party with her family and her best friend, Velna. It turned out nice but such a sad one. Mama lay there and never responded to anything, not a touch, a voice whisper in her ear or a kiss on her forehead. We all took pictures of this final birthday with each family member and their families, her sister Irene, her sister-in-law, Mary and all who were there.
A milestone in life, your 80th, such a long time to be here on this earth, God’s creation with so many people to love you and be loved back! She was a special lady, a lady loved by all. Throughout my whole life I have never known anyone to say a bad thing about my mama. There were always good things people said and so many just admired her. I thank God for this wonderful human being, I thank my daddy for this wonderful woman he married and had us five. Without the two I would never know her. I feel I am the luckiest person in the world to have had such a beautiful mama! Yes, that’s what we all called her ‘Mama’. No words of any amount could describe this lady – she was and is and always will be indescribable. 2/13/00 -Buy the Book
Losing Mama:
My brother and sisters were called after midnight on Valentine’s Day to come to the rest home. Our mama had passed away at 12:47 a.m. Walking in the door of our mama’s room, all was quiet and she was still in the same position we had left her in earlier that day of her party. When I saw Mama’s face, I knew immediately that her spirit had left her body. My heart fell past my feet; I instantly relived the feelings I had in 1980 when I saw my daddy laying dead in the hospital bed at Skilled Nursing.
People had been telling me how much they admired me for caring for my mama, I was not forced into it and it was what I felt I needed to do. My mama raised four siblings and myself to do the right thing. I could have walked away anytime, but instead I chose to care for my mama. I did not quit!
Now the reality of this day has set in, I saw mama’s lifeless body lying in the hospital bed in her room. The pain inside me was literally overwhelming, I was not sure I could withstand the grief. I felt I might faint or scream from the incredible sadness and loss. I did not feel the “release” as others had predicted, I felt abandoned in this world and completely alone, as if I were a ghost. All I could say to Mama was “I love you.” I kissed mama’s forehead before we were sent into another room waiting as the funeral home people took her body away. It was as if they carried my own life out that door! I felt empty inside; I dreaded the next few days for what laid ahead for my siblings and me. -Buy the Book
I Choose To Remember
Gone are the smiles, I remember as a child
The glowing eyes so meek and mild
Hands that wore a blister or a callus
Not hearing complaints of her achiness
Beautiful body when dressed in a suit
Words of cleverness, so silly and cute
I knew this lady, oh, so well
She's in Heaven now, as Alzheimer's befell
This disease took her mind and swept it away
Made her act as if a child at play
I choose to remember this lady so bright
When angels came to take her that night
When seeing her after she took her last breath
I choose to remember she was ready for death
She would now be rid of this terrible life
That made her forget she once was a wife
Loving her children and her family
She never knew them then you see
I choose to remember she knows us now
She's watching from above, as her head will bow
While silently she says a prayer for us all,
"God be with my family now as they recall,
Memories of their mother they love so dear
And of all their loved ones in their hearts so near
Keep them safe and help them to grow
While they struggle through life down below.
I choose to remember my mother so dear
Her memory is with me, I feel her near
I feel her touch and the words she might say,
"We will all be together again someday"
~Mama and Daddy's final resting place~
